Raising Resilient Children – Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Are Children Naturally Resilient?

Dr. Arielle Schwartz raising resilient children

We want to trust our childrenโ€™s capacity to handle lifeโ€™s difficulties and swe do not want to over-protect them. If we, as parents, jump in too quickly to solve problems for our children we may hinder their ability to develop their own problem solving skills. As children learn how to solve problems, they develop their capacity to be creative and realize they have an impact in their world. The world we live in is not always safe and kind and we need to have confidence that our children can ultimately handle this imperfect world.

However, when children have faced an overwhelming life event they often need help processing what they have seen and how they feel. When a child faces stressors or challenges, we do not want to over-estimate their ability to handle it on their own. The consequence of not supporting children to process traumatic events may be a loss of creative, intellectual, or social potential.

“Ideally, we giveย children the rightย amount of independence and challenge balanced with sufficient support and safety.”
-Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Raising Resilient Children

raising resilient children

Resilience is our ability to adapt well in the face of adversity; it means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences. As a strength-based psychologist, I apply research on resilience to my work with children and families. Caring adults raise resilient children by assisting them to make sense of their lives and feel more capable within their social, emotional, and cognitive development.

As parents,ย compassionate support systemsย help us access our resiliency so that we can help our children develop theirย resilience. Resilient children are nurtured by caring adults who can help them actively express their experience.

  • Younger children mayย better express themselves through play or drawingย their experience with an attentive adult.
  • Older children benefit from conversations thatย reflectย emotions, explore difficult decisions, andย examine the meanings children makeย about their experiences.

When Children Throw you a Curve Ball

Children, Emotional regulation, and Polyvagal Theory Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Being with a child who is struggling leads most parents to feel angry or scared. Especially when:

  • โ€œMy child wonโ€™t go to sleep or stay asleep!โ€
  • โ€œMy son is aggressive and is hitting me or his younger sister!โ€
  • โ€œMy daughter used to go to school just fine and now she clings and wonโ€™t separate from me when I drop her off for first grade!โ€
  • โ€œMy child is tuning me out and just doesnโ€™t listen to me!โ€

Sometimes we react or shut down our children because ofย our fears and uncomfortable emotions.ย To want to push our children away or run away from our childrenย is a normal and biologically driven response when we are afraid.ย However, I invite you toย viewย your child’s โ€œcurve ballsโ€ as a callย to engage your child, to look beneath the behavior, and to connect to their inner world.

Knowingย thatย you sometimes experience anger when you are vulnerable and afraid can help you reflectively turn towards your child’s difficult behaviorsย thatย arise out ofย theirย vulnerabilities and fears.

Resilience is for Parents Too

Resilience Dr. Arielle Schwartz

For parents, resilience allows us to respond creatively to the challenges inherent in raising our children. ย Parents need support through compassionate relationships with partners, other parents, and when necessary, therapists, to help us explore the deeper themes of reactions to children and how this may be connected to the past.ย  Being a resilient parent
means:

  • Getting support to learn fromย your obstacles soย you can supportย your children to learn from thier struggles.
  • Accepting thatย you are imperfect so you can be kinder towardsย your childrenโ€™s mistakes.
  • Recognizing thatย you do not have all the answers so thatย you are more accepting when children feel lost or confused.
  • Remember thatย youย like being loved and known for whoย you are so that you can aim to love and know your children for who they are.

On an airplane, they will always tell the adults to put their oxygen mask on first – then help your child to put theirs on. The same is true with resilience: When adults feel supported they are better able to support their children.

Resilience Informed Therapy

Somatic Psychology Dr. Arielle Schwartz

As human beings we can all get โ€œstuckโ€ sometimes. There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help whether it is for yourself or your child. Resilience informed therapy recognizes that when parents and children feel safe and supported you are able to access your creativity, strength, and capacity to handle lifeโ€™s challenges.

Further reading:

About Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Dr. Arielle Schwartz Complex PTSD, EMDR Therapy, Somatic Psychology

Dr. Arielle Schwartzย is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offersย trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author ofย The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole. She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy.ย Likeย Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook,ย follow her on Linkedinย and sign up for email updatesย to stayย up to dateย with all herย posts.


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