Empathy – Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Empathy (or how to adjust your faucet…)

Empathy Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Water drop by Josรฉ Manuel Suรกrez

Empathy is a key element of the work that I do. As a psychotherapist, I am literally trained to not only listen to another but to sense and feel their experience with them. In truth Iโ€™ve been this way my whole lifeโ€”empathy is one of those traits that goes along with being a highly sensitive person.

My sensitivity also defined much of my childhood. You see, when I was growing up I felt everything. If there was an emotion in the room I was sure to pick up on it. Often the emotions would build up in me and then I would start to feel anxious or overwhelmed or sad for โ€œno reason.โ€ It was easier when emotions were named by others. If someone was able to say โ€œIโ€™m sadโ€ or โ€œIโ€™m angryโ€ then I didnโ€™t take it on. But, it was a lot harder with other peoples โ€œunexpressedโ€ or โ€œsuppressedโ€ emotions. You know what I meanโ€ฆwhen someone has an angry tone of voice and expression on their face but denies it and says, โ€œIโ€™m fine!โ€ This is where things got really confusing!

As a child, empathy was automatic and not something that I had choice aboutโ€ฆit was like a faucet left on full stream; I never knew that I could turn it down or off! As a result, there were times when I carried around a whole lot of emotional or psychic material. This could get pretty heavy. Sometimes Iโ€™d have big emotional meltdowns and not know why (those were embarrassing). Other times Iโ€™d get sick because all of these feelings left my body drained…

Now, as an adult Iโ€™ve learned to have a new conversation with my empathic selfโ€”actually a conversation with my young self. Iโ€™ve let myself know that I donโ€™t have to carry the weight of the world, that it is okay to โ€œlet go,โ€ and that it doesnโ€™t really serve me to hold on anymore.

At times, Iโ€™ve had some interesting (and informative) replies back from my young self. She has said, โ€œI donโ€™t want to feel anything at all because when I do itโ€™s just too muchโ€ or she has said โ€œbut if donโ€™t take care of (feel) them Iโ€™ll be all alone!โ€ I recognize that as a child, feeling for others was a way of connectingโ€ฆand that sometimes it was too much.

As an adult, I can now choose when and how much to sense and feel. I also give myself permission not to feel sometimes. I can honor my need to connect to others without having to take it all in. I get to have and honor my own boundaries. My empathy is no longer a faucet stuck on and I donโ€™t have to turn off my gift.

Yes, there are still some days where I can sense that I am carrying the story or process of another person. In these times, I rely upon somatic tools of breath, movement, or yoga. I also rely upon an intention to give away what I am carrying. I give it over to something larger than myselfโ€”the earth, the universe, spirit, God.

I give it away so that I can simply be me.

Heal and Learn with Dr. Arielle Schwartz

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About Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Dr. Arielle Schwartz

Dr. Arielle Schwartzย is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offersย trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author ofย The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Wholeย (Althea press, 2016) and co-author of EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology: Interventions to Enhance Embodiment in Trauma Treatment (Norton, 2018). She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy.ย Likeย Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook,ย follow her on Linkedinย and sign up for email updatesย to stayย up to dateย with all herย posts.


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